Broken Lies Read online

  Chase proved himself a natural. Everyone noticed how quickly he connected with people and closed sales. The main difficulty was adjusting to the boiler-room atmosphere with blaring rock ‘n’ roll and to young men on telephones raising their voices nearly to a shout to block out the competing noise. Chase eventually managed to ignore most of the racket since he himself needed to stretch his vocal chords so that customers could hear him.

  More challenging were the small joints frequently passed around the office. The problem was not so much the temptation but the ribbing from guys who didn’t know his history. Chase kept his past to himself until one day after work. Since he had no other friends, Chase would hang out with a few of the guys after their morning shift, sometimes eating lunch at Jeff’s house just a half-mile or so away in the heart of Santa Ana. Jeff, recently married and a little older than the rest, pulled out his bong and offered it to Chase.

  “Come on, man. It’s been a couple of months now and you’re still afraid to get a little high with us?”

  Chase had grown weary of the taunting. “Listen, Jeff, you guys have no idea where I come from. I dealt coke for five years. You keep thinking I’m afraid to take a few tokes? I’ve seen more than you guys will see in a lifetime. I’ve been in jail, fights, shot by the cops. This ain’t nothing. I just don’t need to go there anymore. I’m just trying to make some money and stay ahead.”

  “Dude,” Jeff said defensively, nodding at the other guys, “we’re just havin’ fun. You don’t have to get on our case. Take it easy, man.”

  “All right. Hand me the bong. I’m tired of all this.”

  Chase couldn’t be certain why he gave in to the pressure. He knew better. Smoking pot was no big deal. He had already relapsed with cocaine twice, just escaping arrest the second time after a fistfight went from a house into the street. Knowing his temper, he had since vowed that if he used again, he would do so alone.

  After the bong had been passed around a few times, the guys got Chase to open up about his past—dealing drugs, the fights he had mentioned, and even the night the police shot him in the shoulder and how he managed to escape. Their admiration became evident as they hooted and howled in approval. After a couple of hours, he dragged himself away and drove home to his apartment. Staring in the bathroom mirror, looking directly into his reddened eyes, Chase spoke to himself. “What are you doing, man? This is not who you are. You’re lying to yourself. You can’t do this anymore.”

  Determined to follow through, Chase avoided his coworkers and focused completely on his job. At least the teasing stopped. His history traveled the office, and the others treated him with unusual respect, perhaps concerned about what he might do if pushed too far.

  After two years with the company, he became sales manager of the early crew. When the business shut down in 1989, Chase found other sales jobs and evolved into a top producer. After marrying Linda the following year, he began transitioning from salesman to trainer. He loved what he did for a living. When it came to his career, he considered himself a success. When it came to his marriage, that appeared to be an entirely different story, one he wished he could somehow rewrite.

  **

  Linda felt distraught after she stormed out of the house, and she drove aimlessly through the neighborhood. She thought about the tacos, wondering if Chase would turn off the stove. Tears of frustration and helplessness rushed down her cheeks. How could their relationship work? Would it be a repeat of her parents’ failed marriage? Linda had felt it crucial to be strong for her younger sister, who had just turned fourteen when their dad moved out after one last marital fight. She remembered him holding her and Lisa tightly that night, expressing his love for them. He said he wished things were different, but unfortunately he and their mother couldn’t work things out. Linda spent countless hours assuring her troubled sister that the three of them would always be together, that life would go on.

  She missed her father, more so even now. Would she once again have to be the strong one? Linda didn’t want that role. She yearned to crawl into Chase’s arms and to be loved. More tears flooded down her face. Chase was certainly not like her father, she told herself, desperately hoping it to be true. He would do anything for his children. But what about for her? Like her father, had Chase become too distant to notice his wife’s needs? And would he awaken himself in time to save their fragile marriage?

  For the next few days, the two barely spoke. Linda remained angry and silent, waiting for something, anything, that would demonstrate her husband’s concern. Chase, utterly frustrated over their impasse, hoped that his wife would simply be honest with him. Linda finally broke the stalemate one night after the children were in bed. “So when’s your appointment?” she asked, sounding confrontational.

  “With the psychologist?” he responded, completely taken aback by the suddenness of her question.

  “Yes. Didn’t you say you’ve got another appointment?”

  “I do, at three-thirty on Wednesday.”

  Linda shrugged. “Well I’ve been thinking about it, and I’m not happy at all with you, but I guess I’ll go. I just don’t want to talk to you right now. I’m still upset.”

  “Okay then. Thank you. I’m glad you’re coming.” Uncertain if he kept his obvious relief to himself, Chase pursed his lips with a sense of victory, however small.

  The momentary victory allowed him, for the first time in weeks, to drift off to sleep instead of anguishing for hours while staring at the ceiling. Chase had positioned himself on his side of the bed. He indeed desired to touch Linda, to comfort her, to express his love for her, but the last thing he needed was to rock the boat and to evoke emotions in her that, once again, he wouldn’t know how to handle. He had never learned to understand his own emotions, much less those of the women in his life. Sleeping seemed to him the preferable alternative.

  Long after Chase’s breathing settled into the rhythmic cadence of slumber, Linda lay awake, tears sliding onto her pillow. She longed to be held, craving love and affection from her husband. She couldn’t figure out why he gave her so little attention even then, having fallen asleep so quickly. Why wouldn’t he at least reach out to her and tell her everything would be all right? In the past she may have pushed him away at times. But not now. Now she needed assurance that he would fight for her, battle for their marriage, and rescue her from an uncomfortable situation she did not know how to resolve.

  When Wednesday finally arrived, Linda wanted to hear more about Chase’s conversation with the doctor as they drove to the appointment.

  “Well, I just told him that I was a little suspicious, that you were behaving, at least from my perspective, a bit peculiarly. I couldn’t point to anything concrete, just weird feelings. He asked me if I understood my own responsibility. I told him I’m probably too selfish. It wasn’t a long appointment at all. We spent most of the time talking about you and me coming back together to see him.”

  Linda fell silent, fingering her curls.

  “Is that okay?” Chase asked, hoping he hadn’t said anything wrong.

  “What do you mean?” she muttered wearily.

  “I mean, do you want to know anything else?”

  “Is there anything else to know?”

  “I don’t think so. That’s about it. I did tell him about Yvette but just to give him information.” Linda didn’t respond, so Chase continued. “Now the doctor’s a little intimidating, but he’s okay. Pretty smart, I think. And listen, babe, all I really want is for us to return to what we had. I love you, and I’ll do whatever it takes.” He glanced at her with a smile that she perfunctorily returned.

  Ten minutes later, Chase introduced Linda to Doctor Rhinegold. She sat stiffly on the sofa, toying with her curls, hoping to conceal the worry she felt. Chase settled next to her but not too close. Linda, painfully aware of her husband’s body language, slid a little farther away, pressing herself against the arm
of the sofa.

  Doctor Rhinegold observed the couple for several moments before speaking, his eyes peeking out from behind his eyebrows. “So tell me about this past week.”

  Chase cleared his throat. “I mostly got the silent treatment.”

  “Why is that?”

  “Well, I told her I wanted her to come here with me, but I first made the mistake of asking if she was seeing someone.”

  “And?”

  “That didn’t go over very well. She walked out and we didn’t speak for a few days.”

  “Linda, is that the way you see it?”

  She shifted her legs and felt for her curls. “I basically told him that after the last few months of not having my emotional needs met, he’s finally seeing that we have a problem, but now he’s accusing me of having an affair instead of looking at his own life.”

  The doctor turned to Chase. “What do you see as the primary issue in your marriage?”

  “Probably me. I don’t open up all that much, and as I said before, I think I’m too selfish or self-centered. I don’t know. Maybe you should ask her.”

  “I want to hear your own perceptions.”

  Chase shifted nervously. “I’ve never thought we had a bad marriage. Obviously it could be better, but I know that’s true with everyone. I didn’t tell you this the last time, but I was a drug dealer many years ago, somebody who grew up just taking care of himself, always guarded, never trusting, not a guy you’d want to hang out with. I thought everything had changed, but maybe I’ve never been able to fully shed my past.”

  “That’s a good insight, something we may want to explore later.”

  “Listen, I really am willing to change, but I need help.”

  “And of course that is why you’re here. Thank you for letting me know you a little better.” The doctor turned toward Linda again. “I’m sorry to be so blunt, but why do you think Chase believes you’re having an affair?”

  Linda took a long, deep breath. “An old friend contacted me a couple of weeks ago.”

  Chase tensed, his stomach knotted.

  “After a few phone calls he wanted to meet me somewhere. I told him I didn’t think that would be such a good idea. Sure, I enjoyed our conversations, but I told him I’m married. I just didn’t want to go there, and besides, I didn’t feel that way about him. I just appreciated having someone to talk to, someone to reminisce with. He apparently wanted more, but for me, it really was just an innocent reconnection with an old flame.”

  Chase squirmed. He couldn’t believe how quickly everything had begun to unfold.

  “And are you still having conversations with him?” Rhinegold asked.

  “No, not since last week when Chase confronted me. I knew I must be acting suspiciously, but I mean, honestly, it was just an emotional thing. We never met. We never saw each other. He just made me feel good about myself, attractive again, I suppose. When Chase noticed something different about me, I knew that I needed to end the connection, so I emailed him to say that it was over, not to call anymore.”

  “Okay, Linda, thank you for your honesty. Chase? This has to be painful but perhaps not as bad as you were imagining.”

  Chase ran his fingers through his hair. “I can’t handle this. I mean, I believe her, but I can’t believe … oh, I don’t know. This is just really frustrating.”

  “I understand,” Rhinegold reassured him, “but this is a good beginning. You’ve both communicated openly, and Linda has revealed a secret that’s been eating her up for a few weeks. It’s a great starting place. Now Linda, you have a decision to make with this recent contact, one that I cannot make for you, but you must know that your marriage and your family are at stake.”

  “I do know that,” Linda insisted. “That’s why I cut it off.”

  “I understand. The problem, however, is that this man may not accept your decision so quickly. If he contacts you again, you need to stand firm.”

  “I can do that.”

  “Good. And Chase, you need to allow Linda to do this herself, to make her own decisions in this matter. Now our session is obviously a short one, but I’d like to see how you’re able to work through these issues and to smooth out this unfortunate situation. Let’s meet again on Monday.”

  Driving home, they kept silent, Linda thinking about what she needed to do and Chase fuming over the entire emotional affair, or whatever it might be called. He hadn’t felt this helpless and angry in a long time. Not since that afternoon in 1988 when he opened his bedroom door to find his first wife in bed with another man.

  CHAPTER 7

  Unfortunately, the man having the affair with Chase’s first wife happened to be his best friend, Bill, whom he knew from work. Chase had gotten off early one day, and after grabbing a beer in the kitchen and heading down the hall toward his bedroom, he suddenly stopped when he noticed the door was closed. He and Yvette always left it open, so this seemed peculiar. The door squeaked a little as he eased it open. Just as his lips began to form his wife’s name, his jaw dropped in utter disbelief at the scene before him: Yvette and Bill in bed, his bed, together.

  Chase hurled his bottle against the wall above them, the glass exploding and beer foaming down over the bedframe. Bill quickly gathered up his clothes while Chase paced the room, shouting expletives. Once Bill hurried into the hallway, mumbling “Sorry, Chase,” as he fled, Chase vehemently told Yvette he was done with her. Though they had navigated through many conflicts and arguments, he knew their already feeble marriage could never weather this storm. The divorce became final in just a few months.

  A year and a half later he met Linda. They were attending a sales and marketing seminar in Westwood. He was nearly twenty-five; she was two years older. Though Chase had vowed not to date, he had a sudden change of heart and asked Linda out for coffee during a seminar break. They instantly connected. She too had a father who drank and an overly protective mother, and she had lived through a separation that had devastated her and her sister. She too did not want a marriage like her parents’—one of the reasons she remained single.

  Linda had beautiful green eyes and a soft demeanor that Chase found attractive. She was tall, just a few inches shy of his own five-foot-nine frame. While Yvette had always been combative and disingenuous, Linda offered sensitivity and honesty. Instead of ridicule, Linda showed appreciation; instead of fear, confidence.

  Chase asked her out a second time, hoping to impress her by taking her to his favorite Italian restaurant, not far from his apartment.

  “So you say you’ve never been married?” he asked with a twinkle in his eye.

  “What? Oh yeah, I guess I did,” Linda answered with a smile. “No, I can’t seem to find the nerve.”

  “But you’ve had boyfriends.”

  “Of course,” she said with a laugh, “lots of them over the years. Guess I’m simply not the right type, or maybe I’ve never met the right type. I don’t know. Perhaps marriage is not in the cards.”

  Although they had known each other for only a short time, Chase hoped her luck might change, but he knew he had to be careful. “Yeah, I think that’s true of me as well. I was married once before, but it wasn’t anything I’d recommend.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Chase let out a sigh. “Well, it’s a long story, but let’s just say that I married the worst person on earth.” He chuckled as soon as he said it.

  “Can you tell me about it?” asked Linda, smiling in return.

  “I’d much rather hear about your life.”

  “I know, but this sounds like a big thing. I can understand if you don’t want to talk about it.”

  “All right. Here goes.” Chase told her everything. He watched Linda’s reactions as he spoke, how her cute lips would widen when he tried to make a joke out of difficult circumstances, her curiously raised brows when he haltingly recalled entering the bed
room that day. He didn’t think she moved the entire time.

  A waiter approached their table and asked them the typical questions, allowing Chase to take a breath and think through what else Linda might want to know. “I’ve never shared this with anyone,” he finally admitted.

  “Well I can see why! Chase, what a horrible experience. So then you, um, divorced her right away?”

  “Absolutely. Didn’t think I’d ever date again.” He couldn’t believe he said that.

  Linda giggled. “Oh, I guess that’s what we’re doing, isn’t it?”

  “Yeah, but this feels a whole lot different from anything I’ve ever experienced. It’s like I’ve known you forever. Hey! What are you laughing about? That wasn’t a line. I’m serious.”

  “It just struck me as funny.” She gently wiped her mouth on the cloth napkin and then reached for her hair with her free hand. “Actually that’s very nice. Thank you.”

  “I like it when you do that, by the way.”

  “Do what?”

  “Play with your curls.”

  Linda’s right hand dropped to her side. “I’m sorry. It’s just a habit I’ve had for a—”

  “No, really, it’s charming,” he assured her with a smile. “Anyway, here’s the craziest part of the story, if you can imagine it getting crazier. Yvette gives me a call about three months or so after the divorce. I’ve already moved up here, so I’m not sure how she located me. This is still pre-cell phone days! So she calls me and says that she met Jesus, that she’s sorry for everything she did and wants my forgiveness, that everything was her fault, that I was a great guy, and would I like to see her again. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe this was the same person, but there was absolutely no way I could agree to meet up with her. I just told her that I was happy for her but way too busy to get together anytime soon. She begged for my forgiveness, so I gave it and said good-bye.”